Mr. B

A sweeter, gentler four legged soul never walked this earth.  Buddy was man's best friend, or at least my best friend.  Why he chose me to companion with I'm not sure, maybe it was that my room was the quietest and coolest, which made him the most comfortable.

He was a lucky dog, if Jeremy had not been in his little boat fishing that day, if he had not decided for some unknown reason to go just a little farther and see what was up around the bend......

There he is, a wet dog running back and forth along the river bank, then trying to run up the steep hill, but his aging legs not allowing that.  There he was, stuck at the bottom of the river bank.  My son, the one with a heart the size of the world when it comes to animals, he goes and tries to befriend Buddy, not sure how he is going to be received.  But Buddy knew a good thing when he saw it.  He allowed Jeremy to lift him up and into his little boat, and they trolled back down the river to the boat ramp.

Jeremy came running in and said I"m getting some dog food and water, I found a dog.....he had left him at the ramp just long enough to drive the three blocks home and back.  Buddy was there waiting for him when he got back.  He fed him and watered him and hoped someone would drive up looking for their lost dog.  Time passed and no one came, dark filled the sky.  So what else could he do, he brought him home.

Buddy was such a loving dog, he instantly excepted the fact that China was the boss, didn't matter to him.  He loved a good head rubbing and would always nose you when you stopped.  He loved his meals.  He loved us.

The routine for so long had been up early, eat early, then nap time.  Tommy was an early riser and meal provider for all the animals, so you could set your watch by Buddy getting up and standing at my doorway looking into the kitchen waiting for his meal.  Even after Tommy left us and Jeremy took over, Buddy's habits never wavered.

The last few days of his life, he did not get up at 5 am, instead Jeremy would have to encourage him to get up an eat.  He had been riddled with arthritis from the beginning, and as time passed it worsened.  His last days must have been filled with so much pain, even though he was on medication, it was just too much for him.  He quit wanting to get up or walk, and would only do so when he had to go outside to use the bathroom, and then it was a horrible struggle.  It was so painful to watch.

The hardest decision of a pet owner is to make that final call.  Why can't they just go peacefully in their sleep.

I am sure Buddy is running through fields of flowers and jumping in happiness.  We could always see the glimmer of spunk he must have had as a pup, as a younger dog.  

I miss him so much.  We only got to love him for a little over two years.  Where he grew up, who he once lived with, always remained a mystery.  At least I know his last two years were good ones, happy ones.

Run free my sweet friend.  Give dad a lick and China too, I will see you all someday, and I will miss you all everyday. ♥♥

RIP Buddy - 9/28/2016

Our walk in the Park...

Everywhere I look, memories.  Everywhere I turn, there is another one staring me in the face. Memories are suppose to bring you happiness, warm your soul, mine only bring me sadness and tears.

You left me too soon, I was not ready, I will never be ready....but you left me too soon.  So much left to do, so many things left to say, so many memories still to be made.

The wound starts to heal, a little at a time, then something happens and the scab is suddenly and violently ripped away, and the wound grows bigger, deeper, and the hole in my heart grows larger and larger.

We walked through the park that beautiful spring day, it was rare for us to leave the comfort we cherished so much.  You were a good sport, you took me by surprise when you said yes, you would go with me.  It was a nice walk, exploring the rock foot bridges, examining the foliage as it so amply grew, fed by the slow flowing water from the river.  We went up the trails and down them and back around.  You waited while I took my photos, so patient, I knew you were enjoying yourself too.

I wish I'd kept the lovely flower that girl gave me, she said it was for Mother's Day.   I was taken aback, and so very humbled.  A perfect stranger thinking of me, it touched my heart.  I wish I'd kept that lovely flower.  It was the last outing we ever took together.  Us settled in our comfortable ways, our home our sanctuary, not needing the world to make us happy.  I wish I'd kept that damn flower. 

Now all I have are the memories, and they no longer make me smile, they only bring tears to my eyes and sadness to my heart.  I miss you so......

"That day........"

That day started like all others, it crept on like all others.....but the end changed my life forever......
The voice on the other end of the line was trying to stay calm, trying to keep me calm.  I know I was surely not hearing these words, I must have been in a dream state having a terrible nightmare.

Dad's had a heart attack.....and it doesn't look good.....I questioned immediately where was he, why was he not here at our hospital, why were they not air lifting him to a place more equipped, only "I don't know" were the replies.  I waited forever by the phone for more information, but in reality it was only minutes I'm sure.  I sat glued in the chair staring out the window watching dusk replace the setting sun, telling myself it wasn't real, only I knew....it was real, and it was bad.  Finally I picked up the phone and redialed the unfamiliar number that had brought me this life altering news.  Then I was talking to a doctor....flat lined......ambulance.....I'm so sorry...............................

Nothing will ever be the same again.  Not my waking, not my walking through this house, not my walking through this life, nothing, will ever, be, the same, again.  

I wasn't prepared, I'm still not prepared, yet I move on from one day to the next, without knowledge of how I got there. I'm guided by an inner strength, or an inner will, I must be, or surely I wouldn't be moving at all.  Death is not unfamiliar to me, it's been a long time, but it's knocked on my family's door more than once.  Twice before I've had loved ones ripped from my life, just as suddenly, just as unexpectedly. 

Death leave me alone!!  I've paid my dues, I've fallen at your feet, I've given you all I have to give, please Death, just leave me alone......

October 28, 2015....changed my life forever.....

My Beauty Girl......

The tears flow, they will not stop.  The pain it curses through my soul, ebb and flow, just like the last breaths she took.  She went peacefully with my lips to her forehead, I know she was ready, she was worn and tired, and I know she missed her Dad.  We all miss her Dad, but now she can forever be with him, by his side.  Death is cruelest to those who live, those who are left behind.  We are the ones who suffer now.

Her life was a gift to us, and we were a gift to her.  She was sent to us to protect her, keep her from harms way, from vicious hands that would have surely killed her.  A selfless gesture by a little boy who was wiser than most.  She lived and thrived a wonder 14 1/2 yrs., giving so much love, yet demanding her way.  She would have never made it in anyone else's world, they would not have understood her Chowish ways.

As a young adult her favorite game was "jugs".  She played soccer with empty coke jugs. She would bat them around the yard with her feet and chase them, should they get stuck somewhere, she would grab the lid with her mouth and pull it free.

We would sit on the steps of the old house and eat Doritos.  She would chew and swallow them just like a human.  She was so very obedient, she would listen to my words and make me proud.  

She loved to lay on her picnic table, to nap in the sun.  As years passed and her mobility lessened we lowered the table to ease her struggle.  She loved to be outside, and loved it more when we were out there with her.

I've watched her slowly start slipping away, her mind, her body, confusion and sluggishness replacing her vitality.  I've prayed to God and to Tommy to let me know when it was time, time to let her go, time to let her rest.....today it was time.

God take my little four legged girl and place her in Tommy's arms for safe keeping until we are reunited.